I'm pants shitting drunk right now
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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