Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
