Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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