i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
