How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
