Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
