so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
