Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
