When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
