For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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