My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
