She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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