You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
