I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
