omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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