I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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