Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
