i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
