Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
