i just had sex bonerless
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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