The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
