Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
