I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
