there's paper in my vomit.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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