Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How does one acquire holy water?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
