i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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