Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
