i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
