I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
