I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
