Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You ate ashes out of my bong
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
