I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I cut my penus on the lid.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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