if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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