***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
