Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
