If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
