Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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