Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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