i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
