So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
