i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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