When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
