I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
