so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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