so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
