Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
