Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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