Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
