I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
