It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
