You really coming over, don't trick.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
