Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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